Monday, January 7, 2013
How I try to get through the winter with S.A.D.
From the time I was a small child I can never remember a fond memory of winter it's self. Of course I truly enjoyed the big family gatherings, Christmas Plays, Christmas Concerts, Christmas Day and so on. As for sledding, ice skating or even snow ball fights I didn't care for them. The only snowman I ever wanted was Frosty on the T.V. This isn't the greatest way to feel about winter when you live in the snow belt of New York! As I became older I noticed more and more often the fun and happiness other people were having that I. just. wasn't. Eventually I visited therapist whom suggested I see a psychologist. To make a long story short I have, among other things, Seasonal Effective Disorder.
S.A.D. seemed to be worst during those times of the months we women feel more emotional anyway. After having my third child I thought I was going through postpartum depression. This is when I was diagnosed. It was always a huge effort to pretend I was having fun with my children outdoors when in reality even indoors I felt a little gloomy. I did the best that I felt I could then tried to designate the rest. Sometimes that meant dad going to dance class or grandma and grandpa being in charge of a sledding event. Luckily they own a very large chunk of land behind their little attempt of a farm where they could all have their snow fun. As my children grew into adult hood leaving one by one this feeling of gloom turned to that of hopelessness and what I called emotional disturbance or so I thought. It would get so bad at times I felt as if I was seriously losing my mind. By this time there was only myself and my youngest living at home although my two older boys only lived in my upstairs apartment. One of my sons had an attitude whereas he didn't need me he was "living with his brother, not his mother." Looking back he was just establishing himself as an adult. He was working and going to college. Acting the part of a grown up. My oldest son still lives up there and most likely always will. I'll save that for another post or 5! I began taking medication at this time. Well, started taking more that is. September of 2011 my youngest decided he didn't want to go to school and moved to a big city about 2 hours from where we lived with his girl friend of 2 whole months. I knew nothing about her and her only living parent which lived somewhere short of outer Siberia and I only knew him by Mr.BlahBlah and that he didn't do very well at supporting his daughter emotionally or in any other way for that matter. Imagine my take on life then... Actually life seemed uncommonly well. There were no fights nor many disagreements. My oldest has many issues (those 5 posts I was referring to) but fighting isn't big on his list. Until a week after Christmas I seem to be o.k. Then when my son went back 'home' from a 5 days visit, my grandchildren were back in school in the district they live in and suddenly I found myself so very alone. My daughter would stop with the children now and then and my son, in college would come over with Tim Horton's coffee once in a while or to shovel. Other than that it was me and my oldest, 29 chronologically, living upstairs (and still does). Did I mention he paces and doesn't go to bed until 5:30 AM! His living room is, well was, directly over my bedroom. Sleep - ah - not so much! Things started going down hill fast. I felt like I had little to no control over anything, like nobody needed me therefore they didn't want me in my semi delusional way of thinking at that point in time. I would stay in bed for 2 sometimes 3 days at a time occasionally turning on the news (great choice for a S.A.D. sufferer) maybe doing some giveaways in the middle of the night. Thus messing my med schedule all up. I felt like if winter didn't end soon I was going to disappear in this big cloud of gloom surrounding me. One day I got out of bed only because I wanted to see if my oldest granddaughter then 5 had sent me a picture or little note in reply to the tons of cat pic's I had sent her. Grandchildren are definitely heaven sent in case you didn't already know. Their smiles can cut through any gloom even if only for a little while. Sure enough there was an email from my daughter which meant my granddaughter. Also there was an email right above it that said congratulations. Obviously I opened that baby right up to find out I had won something my granddaughter was going to l-o-v-e. I got so excited I started doing giveaways fast and furious that night. Two weeks later and spring was coming in and all was right with the world - if only til next winter.
This is when I decided to start blogging a little bit. I had always wanted to but knew nothing about it. I figured if I could make a plan of keeping the little joyful moments such as those spent with my children and grandchildren(picture above my little smiling angels), my dog Buddy and my family members, Hooty being one of the most special and learn how to do this blogging as a hobby to keep me busy I just might be alright this winter. So far so good. I've had a few bad days, real bad but not too many. Not even after my son broke the news on December 23rd that couldn't come home for Christmas (after we had planned it for months). Last year this would have devastated me for weeks this year only a couple days until I was back at blogging. It just took having something to do and something to be accountable for. Anyone notice I have my 10,000 Fan Celebration as little as it is and 4 blog hops just in January. It is easy to let ourselves down but not so easy to let fellow bloggers and sponsors down. So thank you my bloggie buddies and all my readers as with out you all I would probably be in bed!