Today is the day I have been dreading yet wanting to get here faster. It couldn't come fast enough nor slow down enough. Today I find out the stage of my breast cancer. Also a plan. This becomes more real today. Oh, it is already devastating and earth shattering, numbing and so emotional. Today everything swirling in my head will have a definite plan of action. I will no longer be able to look at it as the breast cancer monster, there will be a name, a stage, a plan. I'm so scared to be honest. I want to wake up and find out this was all a big nightmare and that my real nightmares are just sub divisions thereof. I want it removed from my memory.
I'm so very afraid for me, for my children, for my grandchildren (they are only 8, 6, 4 and 9 months) what if, what if the worst happens and the youngest doesn't even remember me? What if the others only vaguely remember their last living grandma? You see they had another wonderful grandma. Her name was Grandma Lori and she pasted away at age 47 from lung cancer. Our first 2 grandchildren knew her, although, barely remember her. She has only been gone 3 short years but then it doesn't seem that long. I took her death very hard as she was my age (within months) and she shared her son and our grandchildren. I felt so heart broken for her 2 children (the oldest being my son in law) and now it may be my children going through the very same. I have to ask where is the justice?
I admit I don't understand why. Why me? Why now? Why for my children? Why for my grandchildren? Why for my father, my sister, my brothers? We just lost my mother a year ago is anyone ready to deal with this? I am not. I question god and that is not for me to do. I'm at a loss that I never imagined. No one ever plans for this kind of thing it just pops up out of nowhere like violence and death. Leaving that same kind of pit in your stomach.
Maybe the surgeon will say it is only stage one and in a few months all will be well. That seems impossible. There is so much doom n' gloom, yelling, crying, uncertainty. So many horror stories out there. I want to be a positive story. I beg and plead but if that isn't in the plans, it isn't. Short and not so simple. The Dr. will put everything into perspective today.