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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Today I find out ...

Today is the day I have been dreading yet wanting to get here faster. It couldn't come fast enough nor slow down enough. Today I find out the stage of my breast cancer. Also a plan. This becomes more real today. Oh, it is already devastating and earth shattering, numbing and so emotional. Today everything swirling in my head will have a definite plan of action. I will no longer be able to look at it as the breast cancer monster, there will be a name, a stage, a plan. I'm so scared to be honest. I want to wake up and find out this was all a big nightmare and that my real nightmares are just sub divisions thereof. I want it removed from my memory.

I'm so very afraid for me, for my children, for my grandchildren (they are only 8, 6, 4 and 9 months) what if, what if the worst happens and the youngest doesn't even remember me? What if the others only vaguely remember their last living grandma? You see they had another wonderful grandma. Her name was Grandma Lori and she pasted away at age 47 from lung cancer. Our first 2 grandchildren knew her, although, barely remember her. She has only been gone 3 short years but then it doesn't seem that long. I took her death very hard as she was my age (within months) and she shared her son and our grandchildren. I felt so heart broken for her 2 children (the oldest being my son in law) and now it may be my children going through the very same. I have to ask where is the justice?

I admit I don't understand why. Why me? Why now? Why for my children? Why for my grandchildren? Why for my father, my sister, my brothers? We just lost my mother a year ago is anyone ready to deal with this? I am not. I question god and that is not for me to do. I'm at a loss that I never imagined. No one ever plans for this kind of thing it just pops up out of nowhere like violence and death. Leaving that same kind of pit in your stomach.

Maybe the surgeon will say it is only stage one and in a few months all will be well. That seems impossible. There is so much doom n' gloom, yelling, crying, uncertainty. So many horror stories out there. I want to be a positive story. I beg and plead but if that isn't in the plans, it isn't. Short and not so simple. The Dr. will put everything into perspective today.

22 comments:

  1. Hey you! I hope everything worked out fo ryou (well the best it can with the news given) I went through this with my mom and can only imagine the fear and unknowing she had and I am sure you have. If you every need someone to talk to I can try and help :) You know where I am on FB <3 Hang in there gurl you will kick its ass right to the moon!

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  2. Wishing the best for you sending positive vibes your way.

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  3. It's a hard thing you are facing. Nothing I can say would be great comfort when I am a stranger. But I can and will pray for you today, for peace as you meet with your doctor and talk to your family.

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  4. My own Mama had just been diagnosed with throat cancer.So many lives are impacted!Hugs to you!

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    1. I'm sorry to hear that. Be strong for her. Prayers.

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  5. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this. I can't say that I have been in your shoes but I have watched loved ones go through it. Sending you and your family some positive thoughts through such a rough time in your life.

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  6. I will pray for you and your family!! Keep your head up and think positive!!!

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    1. Thank you and I appreciate the prayers!

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  7. This is so heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your journey, and may God bless you and yours. Good luck, brave lady.

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  8. Breast cancer patients must never give up!

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  9. Give yourself permission to feel however...all emotions are ok. Know that people's thoughts and prayers are with you. God is with you, holding you as you hear the doctor's news and with you every step of the way.

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  10. Thank you Sherry, for the prayers. I believe God is with me.

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  11. Praying for you for whatever you face. It is very prominent in our family on Mom's side so I'm kinda' waiting for the shoe to fall. My sister has already had a non-malignant lump removed.

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    1. Thank you for the prayers. I pray you never have to face it.

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  12. Sending hugs and prayers from us in AZ. <3

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