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Monday, October 26, 2015

They Say Readers Want Real Emotion

In April I wrote a post saying my father had cancer - he passed this past week-end and I am telling you if you have one or both parents, cherish them. Take care of them, spoil them and love them because once they are gone it is the worse feeling of finality that you will ever feel. My mother passed 2 years ago and it was hard but nothing like this. I feel so alone, like an orphaned child with no protector. I feel so small in this huge scary world, lost and all alone. Please make no mistake I am not young. I have 4 wonderful grown children and 4, December 2nd will be 5 beautiful grandchildren but none of that makes up for the loss of the 2 people that have been a constant in my life for (oh who cares) 51 years. They were so close to the perfect parents of grown children. They helped but not too much, they always seem to know the answers to my world's problems or could find the answers easily.

It seems so odd that I am thinking back on all the perfect things they have done, just like all the poems said when I was growing up, although, I couldn't see it then, I couldn't believe that I would look back someday and see all the greatness in my parents. I found faults and negative actions when I should have only been basking in their love, comfort and the good things they wanted for me. My parents were married for 52 years and I understood that accomplishment but I should have felt thankful and blessed that my parents had something so few do these days. A committed life to there first loves and to their family. Being raised by parents with a lifetime commitment to their family is a blessing that I took for granted until now, now that it is too late, to late to tell them how grateful and proud I am of their accomplishments.

I feel as those my heart has broken into so many pieces. The minor things in my life no-longer matter. Out of nowhere I want my childhood back. The memories are flooding my eyes so that I can barely see. I remember simple things like us watching The Brady Bunch as a family, picking up my dad from work when we could only afford one car, going Christmas shopping each for the other then late night dinner at Pizza Hut. The sweet traditions. I remember traveling to Florida and picnic-ing along the way to save money but my mom would say this is more fun anyway. I remember visiting my grandmother in Pennsylvania and getting home in the middle of the night. My dad would bring all 4 of us sleeping children up to the house one after the other. Death is such a lonely thing, no one can feel just what you do and even if, they can't take one drop of your pain away as we each must suffer in our own way, over our lose.

It has only been one week and I have felt so many emotions and thought so very many thoughts. I I cursed the world we live in for turning to so many quick and simple foods full of cancer causing agents, I blamed myself for not insisting he go to the doctor sooner. I swore the rich would have gotten better care and I questioned God. Why, Lord? when it is not ours to question why.

Have you lost a loved one that just tore you apart?

12 comments:

  1. Aww, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's really tough, now that both have passed on. :/ With time, it'll "feel" a little "easier".

    My grandmother passing in 2003 shattered me and I still struggle with it. So I kind of get it.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. When I see my parents this weekend, I will hug them a little longer and a little tighter. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  3. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I am sorry to hear of your sadness. I know how feel - I lost my own Dad 15 years ago, and I can't seem to get over it. All the things he and I enjoyed doing together - certain movies, TV shows, - I can't bring myself to enjoy anymore. We both loved airplanes and used to g to airshows - now when I see a plane, I can't look at it. All I can think is "Daddy would have loved this", and it tears me apart that he is not here to share these things with me. But you can't blame yourself. Death is the logical conclusion to life, and comes to all of us. I just I could deal with it better. Crying as I type this... 15 years ago. OMG. ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))) <3

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    1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I pray it gets better for you. (((((HUGS))))) right back at ya!

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  4. belive me i totally understand,,so sorry for your loss,,i lost my Dad 17 yrs ago at age 62,,then 4 yrs ago my mom passed at age 83,,11 months later my little brother and only brother died of cancer at age 52,,we were so very close and i think that has been the hardest of them all,,but now theres only me and my older sister,,left,,my whole family almost gone,,it was and is very hard,,im blessed with kids and grandkids but all my uncles/aunts are gone now too,,so theres some cousins scattered about and my sister and thats all of my past thats still here,,unbelieveable

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    1. I'm so sorry, I couldn't imagine a sibling also. Sometimes it seems life is unfair, although, we weren't promised tomorrow. Praying for you.

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss and what a big loss it is. I have suffered a loss and the grief is hard to explain and the grief can wash over you and leave you crying and sobbing. The only relief I felt from losing my husband when he was only 39 was to pray and sit in the hot soothing water of the bathtub. The anguish is incredible. I will pray for you during this time and my heart breaks for you!

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    1. I'm sorry, Julie. What a loss that must have been at such a young age. Prayers.

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I don't know if anything can really help right now, but it sounds like you can rest assured he had a well-lived life, with love, family & happiness. I think that might be pretty rare these days.

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    1. Yes he did, thank-you for reminding me.

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